Friday, September 24, 2010

The Bullshitter hate the title I decided to lose it before I lose you

Dear Kirby,

I messed up and I will change my ways. I know you always use to tell me BS and all those things but i never took it seriously. I never knew it made you like me less and prevent you from believing me. I won't BS anymore, I won't say those things that make you feel like I'm a liar. I just wanted to tell you in a way how much I missed you and how pretty I thought you were. I understand once in awhile is ok, but I over did it didn't I? I'm trying my hardest to stop, like yesterday I didn't do it right? So please believe that there will be more days like this. I will try to show you I love you though my actions and not stupid words ok =). I know you hate when I'm up all night talking to you,it's only because I miss you so much. I just don't want to lose a second with you and make you ever feel like your alone. And more so its because I am lonely and I only feel like I'm not alone when I'm with you. You've become come my best friend and the only person I really love. Back then you would never even think about me waking up at 6 or 7 for anything; not even class. But now its like no matter what time I fall asleep I have to be up by that time. Because when I don't get to talk to you in the morning my day always turn out like shit (pardon my French) because I always walk around sad. I just try to get though the day so I could get to talk to you. So please try understand why I stay up so late. I take naps when I get real tired so you don't have to worry about me, I am old enough to make smart enough choices. I promised you I would take care of myself right? I know it doesn't seem like that but I really do. I make sure I get 6 hours of sleep so that I can have the energy to talk to you when I call. I will sleep everyday at 3 now ok so you won't get angry at me. But can we make a deal that on weekends I can sleep later and take a nap when you sleep. It would mean the world to me.

I wish I could turn back time to yesterday before we had this disagreement today. We were smiling so much and these past few days were special because you started to gain your smile back slowly. I feel like a jerk because I was the one who took it away. So please try to forget about it. I know we can't erase the past and I won't forget this I learn more things today, especially about the way I BS and how I need to change. OK =)

This is what you feel right?
Saying "I love you"
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew how easy
It would be to show me how you feel

More than words
Is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
'Cause I'd already know

It's a song lyric that just came up and I think it was a sign or a message from someone or something. I understand that words won't get me anywhere, its actions and thats why you hate those BS lines. I'll show you ok =). And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop thinking that you have to do something in return because heres a secret "YOU DON'TTTTT" HAHA. I am serious ok, when the time comes you will show me that you care the way I care too. I not asking you to do what I do and I never did or will. I am not gonna waste my time telling to this again ok. lol jk, but I just want you to understand that I never ask for anything in return in a relationship, because when you are in love you don't ask for something back you just keep showing them you love them. And stop saying those things like in the future you will say this or you will hate me. I won't I will love you more and more and will never make you feel that way, if I was I would be the world's biggest jerk. I know it sounds like a like but I am serious about this, if I wasn't this serious I wouldn't have told you I wanted to marry you or what ever. So please please please try to believe me when I say I won't say those things. I am trying everyday to put on a happy face so you can not be sad. It might not work but it helps me feel like I am doing something for you. I know more than 90% of the time you wont smile but I am hoping the other 10% you would. So please don't say its useless it really hurts, I told you 100000000000 times your smile really can change the way I feel that day.

You really mean everything to me and I want to show you I can care bout you and deal with these small disagreements. It just means where a real couple now haha =). No relationship is perfect and has it flaws, but flaws are things you learn to appreciate and not hate. Thats why I really do mean when I tell you I don't care about a pimple, a scar or the way you get angry at me. To me it is something that makes you different and unique and makes me cherish those things about you more. So please cherish those things too. I love you so much and it wont change no matter how many times we do this, but I am praying this is the last time because it sucks to fight especially when we are so far, it makes it seem that much more worse that it would be if we were actually together.

OK enough with the negative things, yesterday you made me so so so so happy when we were talking about those things. Even though there is a 50% chance you will do it I can't wait. To go shopping for things to make it your house. Or to cook for you every week, to pick you up from work, to go food shopping. I can't tell you how happy it makes me. I was dreaming so much about your return lol. I know I'm a dork, but I love being a dork, it makes me so happy. Anyways this blog is too long for you so I will stop and continue another day. Thanks for letting me show you I can change. Love you =)


P.S. When your ready can you tell me your feelings, I really want to know your feelings, your fears and everything else. So I'll wait for that day to come =). I know I must be patient with you and it doesn't bother me. Love you so much please can we go back to yesterday and start over.=) MWAHHH

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